Make Every Moment Beautiful

While I walk in the street, my friends and relatives complain that I walk like I am going to beat someone. I guess the saying, “Walk as if you rule the world” made a deep impact on me from my very childhood. Not only that, I love observing people, their body language, their expressions and I also love to make guess of the situation that they might be in the current point of time. If you have never done this give it a try. Its so much fun.

Last Thursday while I was returning from gym at around 6:30 pm, on my way I saw a couple sitting in the steps of a closed shutter. Couple as in a boy and a girl. The girl was carrying a baby, was saying something and her face were covered in tears. Though it was dark, I managed to look into her face with the help of the light of vehicles passing by. The boy was listening keenly. They were sitting as close as possible and at the same time, not trying to touch each other. I could look into them for only a few seconds. I couldn't stand there and intervene their privacy.

This made me think, its not only me but everyone has some hidden story (secrets) in their life. This brought another thought in my mind, “all human being go through similar circumstances in their life. No matter how different we all are – we all are same”.

By the way they were seated, I made following guesses about their relation:

• They might have been in relation when they were in college and or school. All of a sudden, the girl was proposed to be married by her family. The boy was not independent enough and they parted their ways.
• Both of them loved each other but were too shy to express. They found out about the fact after the girls marriage. And now, nothing could be done.
• Both loved each other, were independent and in a position to lead their independent life. However, due to any of the social issue that are prevalent in Nepal like caste and race system, they couldn't be together.
• Or any of the reason you might find appropriate.

But one thing I am sure of them was they were not relatives (brothers - sisters). It seemed that the boy tried to move on and is no longer bind by that relation. Else, he would have at least wiped off her tears with his hand or provided a handkerchief (to wipe off her tears) or wrap his arms around the girl to give her some comfort. His body language would not have shown resistance. And in regards to the girl, I don’t think she was also so sure whether what she was doing is wright or wrong.

The beauty of future is - it’s so much subjective. One seconds of difference in making decision, a yes and/or no few seconds before and/or few seconds after can create an entirely different future. Past is past. It should only make us strong or make us wiser or both. Past experience help in future decision making. If only they had made a right decision in the past, which may be accepting their love in any circumstances and living it or letting each other go they would have lived a different life.

No matter what you do, no matter where you are, remember to make right choice and choose a right and different future world of yours. At the end, choice that we make throughout our life is the only thing that will rise us high or shatter us completely. The beauty of future is - it is subjective and a single decision make a world of a difference. Life is too short to be small. Make it big, choose right.

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Confused

Last night I was going through a story by Paulo Coelho about a man named Manuel. The name was chosen to reflect the thousands of millions of people like Manuel who remain busy, go to office, don’t reflect on their life and don’t have dreams. They live their life like a machine operating a specific task up to their useful life. And die. Just like that.

It is said, among many functions, dreams act as a tool to express frustrations. I slept as soon as I read the story about Manuel. The dreams were not good. Sometimes I cried and sometimes I tried to run but some invisible force always pulled me back. I could reach no where.

Currently, I am working with a prestigious multi national company whose Head Office is located in Dubai and she has her branches all over Asia. I tried and dig in the history of this organization and found that none of the employees are ever promoted to any place outside Nepal. And the turnover of here is rapid. People always keep changing. This is not adding any fun and growth in my life.

Every morning as soon as I wake up, I look into facebook so that I don’t miss wishing friends in their birthdays, special occasions or their success stories. This morning I saw a post from my school friend. He is in his last semester and excited and enthusiastic about life. And his life is taking a great leap. He is doing awesome things. WOW!! That’s just great. I am happy for him. But this made things even worse for me.

I am frustrated like hell. I cannot think straight.

I have suggested people throughout my life to be positive, never to compare, and be enthusiastic, pessimistic. I am not able to identify whether I am being pessimistic or optimistic. But I am not helping myself. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

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Wish you Good!!

“Mistakes and regrets - those are memory made”

I tried to trace back how I come be so indifference about people and things around me. I was emotional, so sensible, and so fragile – but time and circumstances that came with it vanished those feelings. I remember one particular birthday when I was in grade 12 – 2007/04/27. There was a religious ceremony held to celebrate the day. I had invited my then close friends. They were 13 in total. Amazingly, none of those close friends even bothered to call me that day.

I still remember my flooded eyes and wet pillow of that night. I couldn’t go to the college next day because I had ache in my head and heart. I couldn’t face my close friends.

That hit me so hard that I didn’t wished anyone (not only those friends) on any occasions for almost four years since. “Fake” was the only word I always heard in my head whenever those friend’s name even came to my thoughts. I used to get irritated when I met people with names that resembled those friend’s name. I still don’t feel like wishing any of those friends in any of their happy moments.

“Every activity performed by anyone – everything that happens is already written. You don’t have a choice over them”, says Krishna to Arjuna in Bhagwat Geeta. “Everything happens for a reason” is another popular line from the same holy book. May be it was god’s way to teach me a lesson. Maybe I learned, maybe not. But I changed. And maybe it was for good. I got chance to go through these words after three years after the incident happen and it took me a year to accept it. However it doesn’t mean I forgive those friends. It doesn’t matter me anymore.

The event helped me reveal and understand many facts like:

• I only existed when my friends wanted something for themselves.
• The world is selfish. I can be selfish too. But I later discovered that I can be original as well.
• Be true to self. That’s all you ever need in life.

This Quote from Mother Teresa, later inspired me to do good and be good.

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.”

God loves people not because who they are but because who “God” is.

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Faith and Destination

People are just amazing being. What inspire one or demotivates one is completely unpredictable. Sometimes a small line from a best friend can change the whole cource of life. A line from a song or from stranger in a bus or a train or slogans of companies like that of Samsung, 'Next is what?' triggers some emotion of inspiration or strong will to change that we become a complete different person. Life is amazing, emotions are amazing.

I have gone through many of the so called inspirational books, speeches and workshop. But for me, nothing works as much as the fiction trilogies.  They have amazing outlook towards the life we live and share with others. The trilogies like Hunger Games, Matched, Shiva, etc have left a strong impact in my inside. They touched my heart. They always provoke me to do something great and don't fear the future. But face it, get prepared for it.

Sometimes I go back into time when I was a child. I replay some moments that I remember. Like when I was in class 3, I used to look at my seniors of grade 10 and think
'Wow! They are great. Awesome. It must be very difficult.'
I remember my mom saying,
'Her son is a bachelors graduate. He is great now. When wil my boy be big enought. It must be such a glory'.
 However, Slc was not a great deal anymore from where I stand. Its easy.
I asked my mother last time we had a chat,
'Mom I am a bachelors graduate. Am i big enough or great now?'
Her lovely answer was, 'You are always my cute little kid.' It just says, its not enough. Life must be big.

The question that hunts me now is, 'What is big? How do we explore our limits further?' I keep thinking over and over. Surely as a cit Kathmandu is not so big. It was when I frist stepped into it 6 years back. Not any more.

To answer these queries I just have these words from one of our holy book 'A mountain is big only when you are at its base. When you reach the top, its below you. What is the top of one's life is the real question.'

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Search of Future!

Sometimes I go back into time when I was a child and replay some memories that are still fresh. Like when I was in class 3, I used to look at my seniors of grade 10 and think
'Wow! They are great. Awesome. It must be very difficult.'
I remember my mom saying when I was a child - looking to our neighbor,
'Her son is a bachelors graduate. He is great now. When will my boy be big enough. It must be such a glory'.
I asked my mother last time we had a chat,
'Mom I am a bachelors graduate. Am I big enough or great now?'
Her lovely answer was, 'You are always my cute little kid.'
Her comment meant that - its not enough. Life must be big. And things are just beginning.
However, SLC was and not a great deal anymore from where I stand. Its easy. On regards to bachelors, I passed it too with good grades. And now I see the implications of referring them as difficult and glorious. It is because the responsibility that comes after the graduation is great. I now understand, by saying its difficult, people are citing to the aftermath of the graduation at different dimensions of life. The change in behavior and daily habit that the degrees seek in one's life.
The question that hunts me now is, 'What is big? How do we explore our limits further? Where to begin and what to begin?'
I found this quote in one of our holy book 'A mountain is big only when you are at its base. When you reach the top, its below you. What is the top of one's life is the real question.'
I keep thinking over and over. Things has changed dramatically since I first stepped in Kathmandu 6 years back. Even my outlook towards life has changed. My ethics has changed and the dreams and aspirations are far different. Currently, I am at the base of numerous mountains. Which mountain I decide to conquer will create and explain me to my generations to come. And it is next very difficult question that forces me to stay awake.

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म को ? किन बाचेको ?

अचानक मनबाट अनौठो भएर आयो । वरिपरि हेरे । केही ठम्याइन । भर्खर मोबाईल switch-off  गरेर on  गर्जस्तो । केही function  नै नचल्ने । खाली । देब्रे भित्तामा "silence  please" र "switch-off  your mobile phone" को ब्यानर टाँगेको थियो । त्यसका माथि ३ वटा फ्यान आफ्नै तालमा घुमी रहेका । एकछिन घोत्लिएँ ।

प्राय साँझाको समय मेरो “Apex Library” मै बित्ने गर्छ । “updates” लिन र “contact” राख्न त्यहाँ जाने गर्छु । ट्युसन  भएको बेला अलि चाडै औउँछु । अहिले off season । ६ बज्दा ठ्याक्कै कलेजमा । सधै जस्तै बशेर नेट चलाउन थालेको रहेछु । धेरैबेर सोचेपाछी बल्ल थाहा पाए । तर आज अनौठो लागि रहेको थियो । खै किन हो ।

फेसबूक खुल्लै रहेछ । कोहि संग च्याट गर्दै रहेछु । च्याटको थुप्रो भै सकेछ । के रिप्लाई गर्ने सोच्न सकिन । बन्द गरिदिएँ । माथि नाम आउने ठाउंमा पुलुक्क हेरे । नितेश खतिवडा । नाम केहि अनौठो लागो । केहि चिने जस्तो पनि लाग्यो । एकछिन टोलाई रहे । मेरै नाम पो रहेछ । मलाई सबैथोक अनौठो लग्न थाल्यो । वाक्क लगेर आयो । घर गए । बाटो पनि अनौठो नै थियो । घर । कोठा । टेबुल । सबै नौला । बिचलित भएर बसी रहे । बसी रहेको बेला एउटा प्रश्न मान मा आयो । म को ? किन बाचेको ?

खान बनए । खाएँ । प्रश्नले बिथोली रह्यो । म को ? किन बाचेको ?

बिथोलिएको मान लिएर रेडियो चलाउन थाले । star fm मा प्रबचन आउदै रहेछ । त्यहि अडिए । गुरु भन्न लागे "यो सर संसार एउटा सपना हो । जग्नुस यसबाट । न अल्मलिनुस । न झुकिनुस यो सत्य हो भनेर । यो संसार यो जिन्दगि एउटा सपना मात्र हो ।" म झसङ्ग भए । दिनभर के भएको पत्तो पाएको थिएन । किन यस्तो विचार आइरहेछ पनि थाहा थिएन । साचै सपनापो हो कि जस्तो लग्यो । गुरुले सपना बाट जाग्नु त भने तर उपाए भनेनन् । मलाई जाग्नु थियो । उठ्न लाई आफुलाई चिमोटे । झापड हने - दुख्यो । अनुहार धोए । खेर्सानी खाए - पिरो बयो । आनेक गरे । निकै अबेर भएपछि निन्द्रा लग्यो । सपना हैन रहेछ भन्ने थहा भयो ।

बिहान उठ्दा त्यहि प्रश्न फेरे दिमागमा दौडेर आयो । म को ? किन बाचेको ?

टेबलमा राखेको “भागवत गिता” तिर आँखा गयो । विश्वका कत्रा-कत्रा प्रश्नका उत्तर त्यहाँ हुन्छ भन्ने सुनेको थिए । पढ्न थाले । कृष्णले अर्जुनलाई एक ठाउं भनेका रहेछन "किन डरउछौ यिनीहरुलाई मार्न ? यि सब त पहिले मरिसकेका हुन् । तिमी पनि मारी सकेका छौ । यो मुर्दा सरिर्लाई मर्न येत्रो हिच्किचाहट ? आखिर किन ? आत्मा आमार छ । सरिर मारी सक्यो । संकोच नगर ।"

जिन्दगि दुइ त्यान्द्रो त रहेछ । आश र साशको । आशनै नरहेपछि साशको केहि मोल हुन्न रहेछ । त्यसै पनि मुर्दा सरिर । स्वयम् भगवान श्री कृष्णले भन्नु भएको  । चुटाइदिउँ  चुटाइदिउँ  जस्तो लग्यो - साशको त्यान्द्रो ।

म अझै बिथोलिए । आँखा अगाडी झुन्डिएको "वर्ल्ड म्याप" मा आँखा गयो । नेपाल हेरे । भारत हेरे । चाइना हेरे। नेपाल त बर्षे पछि खुम्चिदै गएको रहेछ । म जस्तै । आर्थिक अनि मानबिय प्रगति सधै घट्दो । नेपालका आफन्त “नेपाली”लाई नेपाल बस्न मान छैन । सबै हिडी रहेका छन् । छिमेकि साथीलाई हेर्ने फुर्सद नि छैन । आफ्नै चटारो छ । ठ्याक्कै मेरै जिन्दगि देखे । प्रत्येक नेपालीले आफ्नो जिन्दगी देखी वाक्क लगेर कुनै न कुनै बेला कुनै देशमा आलाप भए हुन्थिएओ भन्ने सोचेकै होलान । आधा नेपाली बाहिर, नेपालका त्यसै वाक्क । त्यस्तै केहि भए सुखको जिन्दगि त हुन्थियो । महाभारत श्रीन्खला सम चाइनाको अरु भारतको । नेपाल न भएको कसलाई मतलब । एक दुइ वटा देश भक्त १-२ दिन रोलन । नया सरकारमा रमाउने छन त्यसपछि । भगवान बुद्ध पहिले नै भारतका भै सके, सगरमाथा र यार्चागुम्बा चाइनाको हुन्छ । म कतै हराए भनेनि कसलाई के मतलब । कसलाई के थाहा । १-२ जना २-३  दिन रोलन। बानि त हो । फेरीहाल्छनी । जाबो एउटा त्यान्द्रो त हो सास । धेरै लागे एक मिनेट ।

हुनत ऐले मलाई कसैले फोन गर्यो र बोलन थाल्यो भने मेरो मनस्थिति उसले बुझ्दैन । हासेर मजाले बोल्न सक्छु । त्यो एस्तो क्वालिटी हो जसलाई मैले मजाले सिकेको छु । खुशी भएको नाटक गर्ने । सबैलाई ढाट्न सक्ने । तर आफ्नो मानलाई ढाट्न कसले सक्ने ? नाटक गरेर कसले झुक्क्याउन सक्ने ? म को ? किन बाचेको ? कसले दिने यो प्रश्न को उत्तर ।

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प्रेम चक्र

जिन्दगीको भेटे साथि, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि
प्यारो लाग्ने देखें छाया, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

विचमा एउटा पुल थियो, हुरी आइ उडाइदियो
धेरै पछि देखें माया, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

तिमीले मात्र हैन माया, मैले पनि गर्ने गर्थें
छुट्यो आज माया मोह, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

समाजले आँखा लाउछ, चोखो प्रेममा भन्ने गर्थौ
आखा छोपी भाग्यौ तिमी, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

आउ भेट्न अन्तिम पटक, भन्दा पनि मानिनौ रे
अर्कै संसार सजायौकि , त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

अब त आस पनि, मरि सक्यो मनवाट
देखे डोली सजिएको, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

तिम्रौ नामको माला जप्थें, भगवान मेरो माने पछि
भगवानले नै धोका दिए, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

कस्तो माया लाईएछ चिन्दगीको पैलो चोटी
छिया छिया भयो मुटु, त्यो डाँडाको पल्लो पटि ||

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मण्डले

मण्डले शब्दको नेपाली शब्दकोसले ‘अरुको अहित चिताउने, उपद्र्वी’ भनेर अर्थ लगाएको रहेछ। यो शब्द मण्डल र ए को सुमधुर संयोजन बाट बनेको रहेछ। साधारण मानिसले लाउने अर्थ चाही “लोकतन्त्र विरुध्द षडयन्त्र गर्ने” हुन आउँछ । तर यी सारा पुरातात्विक मण्डलेका अर्थ मात्र भए । आउनुहोस हेरैँ पुराना र नया मण्डलेमा के फरक रहेछ ।

सट्ट सुन्दा लाग्छ मण्डले मन+डल्ले को सम्योजनबाट बनाइएको शब्द हो जसको अर्य हुन आउँछ “डल्लो मन भएको” । आजको आधुनिक युगमा आधुनिक मण्डलेश्वर वन्ने होड वढेको देखिन्छ । “मुखमा राम राम बगलिमा छुरा” भझैँ यी आधुनिक मन्डल्लेहरु मुखले सबै समान भन्छन, राम्रे गर्नु पर्छ, अबसर दिनु परछ भन्छन तर मनमा भने नराम्रा वा निरङकुस कुरा डल्ले पारेर एक कुनामा लुकाएर राक्छन । यसको उदाहरण तपाई जाहा ताहीँ पाउनुहुन्छ । राजनिती, व्यपार – व्यवसाय, कर्मचारी, शौछ्यिक सँस्था आदी सबै ठाँउमा मन्नडल्लेको घुँइचो छ । सबैले मनमा नराम्रा कुरा डल्ले पारेर अनुहारमा किचिक्क लोकतन्त्र, समानता, खुला प्रतिसपर्दा, वरावर अवसर आदिका व्यानर झुन्डाएकै हुन्छन ।

तपाईले सोच्नुहोला “कसरि ट्याक्कै सवैकुरा जान्यो यसले” । अचम्मित हुनु पर्दैन, एसो डल्लो पारेको मन सोलेर हेर्नुस त सवै तपाईजस्तै देस्नुहुने छ । निरङ्कुसता, असमानता, प्रतिगमन, मनपरी छनौट जस्ता कुराहरु यत्र – तत्र सवत्र छरिएका छन्, अलि बल लगाउनुहिस त दिमागमा । अझ मनडल्लेका होड मा त पढेलेसेका, जान्ने – बुझ्ने, समाजका अगुवा भनौदाहरुको नाम एक नम्बरमा आउँछ । हुनपनि निमुखाहरुले त, “डल्ले मन गरेको पनि मान्छे हुन्छ र............?” भनेर खिल्लि उडाउँछन । उनिहरु न मण्डले न मनडल्ले ।

तर अब होस गर हौ मण्डलेहरु, तिमीहरुको चालाबुझ्ने मानिस जन्मिसके यो समाजमा । अब पनि मन डल्लो पारेर झुटो हाँसो/अभिनयको व्यानर अनुहारमा देखाएर सारालाई झुक्यउँछु भन्नेहरु कान ठाडा बनाएर सुन ति दिनले नेटो काटिसको । तिमीहरुले अव पनि त्यो डल्लो पारेर मनलाई च्याते र, फुताएर, भाँचेर, कुच्यएर समतल बनाएनौ भने यो नया युगमा आफ्नो ठाँउ नखोजे हुन्छ । होस गर है बेलैमा । 




नोट : यो "मन्डले" सिर्सकको रचना मैले मेरो २००६ को डायरीमा पाएँ र अाज तपाईहरु बिच प्रस्तुत गरेको छु । त्यतिबेलाको परिपेक्छ्यमा यो अति नै सान्दर्बिक थियो ।

म कृतज्ञ छु मेरा आम बुवा Bashu Dev Khatiwada र मेरो प्रिय दिदि Anjeela प्रति जस्सले आज म जे हुँ त्यो बन्नमा मलाई सानै देखि सहयोग, हौशला, प्रेरणा र साथ दिनु भएको छ । मेरो वाईयात विचार अनि कुराहरु लाई सदा झेल्नु भएको छ र senseless लाइ sensible बनाउन कहिले थाक्नु भएको छैन ।

म आभारी छु मेरा आतिनै मिल्ने साथीहरु Ashish, Asmee, Ananta, Nthg Sanju रMerina प्रति जसले मेरो जीवनको हरेक मोडमा साथ दिएका छन् र सहि मार्गनिर्देश गरेका छन् ।

म आभारी छु Apex Collegeको अति नै न रुचाएको र विध्यार्थीबाट अति नै अपहेलित SMART कार्यक्रम प्रति जसले मलाई परिवर्तन नै जीवनको सार हो र परिवर्तनमा रमाउनुपर्छ भन्ने सिकायो । साथै यही कार्यक्रमबाट मैले राम्रो निर्णय र सहि निर्णय बीचको फरक पनि सिकेको छु । येही कार्यक्रम मार्फत सहि निर्णय लिन सक्ने छ्यमतको ब्रिधि पनि गरेको छु ।

मेरो blog पढ्ने र मलाई माया अनि सुझाब दिने सम्पपूर्ण इस्ट मित्र, नातेदार, छरछिमेकि, र शुभचिन्तकलाई मुरी मुरी धन्यबाद । यो मेरो नेपालीमा केही लेख्ने पहिलो प्रयास हो । उचित सल्लाहा र सुझाबको आस गर्छ ।

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अन्तिम पत्र

मिति: १९/०१/२०७१

मैले यो पत्र एक - दुइ दिन अगाडी मात्र लेखेको भए यसमा केहि सम्बोधन हुने थियो ।  मैले लेख्ने थिए प्रिय प्रेमिका, अथवा, मेरी हृदयकी रानी र यो पत्रको बिसय बस्तुनै फरक हुने थियो । आज म अन्योलमा छु । यो पत्रको सम्बोधनको बारेमा । तिमी मेरो प्रिय रहिनौ र यो मेरो जीवनको एउटा नया सत्य हो ।

तिमीलाई first semester देखीनै देखि रहेको भए पनि तिमी प्रति म कहिले आकर्षित भैन । तिमिलाई मैले कहिले प्रेम गरौला भनेर सोचेको पनि थिएन । तर म यो पनि नकार्न सक्दिन, जब तिमी तिम्रो त्यो black tank top लाएर, आँखामा गजल पोतेर class मा आउथ्यौ, तिमीलाई परि भन्दा केहि काम देखिन्न थियो ।

Class tourमा तिमी संग नजिकिनु एउटा संयोग थियो । सायद समयको माग । हामी  नाजिकिनुको धेरै कारण थिए । र ती कारणहरु हामीलाई नजिक बनाउनैलाई उपस्थित भएको म मान्छु । तिमी संग संगत बढ्दै जादा थाहा पाए तिमि अरु जति मन्क्षेलै judge गर्दैनौ । म  तिमी प्रति आकर्षित भए । तिमीलाई प्रेम गरे । मैले जुनमा तिमीलाई देखेको छु, भिडमा तिमीलाई भेटेको छु, नचिनेको मान्छेलाई तिमी भनि बोलाएको छु, तिम्रो लागि कविता लेखेको छु र आज यो मेरो जिन्दगीको पहिलो पात्र पनि लेख्दै छु । केवल तिम्रो लागि । "Miss You" भन्ने सब्दको अर्थ मैले तिम्रो प्रेममा थाहा पाए । सरिरको एउटा टुक्रा चोइटाएर निकाल्दा कति पिडा हुन्छ भन्ने अब मलाई थाहा छ । तिमी मुटुको टुक्रा भएकी थियौ । 

सायद ती केहि कारण नघटेका भए हामि आज पनि अपरिचित साथी मात्र हुनेथियौ । यश आर्थमा भन्नु पर्छ अहिलेको यो हाम्रो अवस्थाको पुरा दोषी त्यहि समय हो । त्यहि पल हो जसलाई हामीले मजसंगा बाँचयौं । घटना अर्कै भएको भए, तिमी अथवा म कोइ एक जना tour मा न गएको भए हाम्रो यो tour मा मैले तिमीलाई म प्रति आकर्षित गर्ने थिएन, तिमी मलाई प्रेम गर्ने थिएनौ र अन्त्यमा तिम्रो मुटु दुखाएर म आफ्नो बाटो लाग्ने थिन । तिम्रो मुटु दुख्ने नै थिएन, किन भने तिमीले मलाई प्रेम नै गर्ने थिएनौ । तिमी ऐले पनि चोखो, निश्चल, निर्मल र पूर्ण हुने थियौ । त्यस्तै लजालु, उत्कृस्ट र तिमी जस्तै, original । मेरो आगमनले तिमीलाई धेरै कुरामा बदलेको छ । यसको लागि म माफी चहन्छु । तिम्रो जिन्दगि बाट मेरो बहिर्गमनले तिमीलाई ठुलो चोट पुग्नेछ भन्ने मैले बुझेको छु । तर म यो कुरामा केहि गर्न सक्दिन र माफी पनि माग्ने छैन । मलाई तिमी संगको बिछोड केहि फरक परेको छैन । यो एउटा पल थियो, जुन हुनु नै थियो । मैले केहि सिक्नु थियो  तिमीले केहि सिक्नु थियो ।

तिमी भन्ने गर्थेउ, “मलाई कसैको बिश्वास लाग्दैन । सबैले धोका दीने गर्छ । मैले धेरै जना त्यस्तो देखेको छु । म जिन्दगीमा कुनै केटालाई बिश्वास गर्ने छैन" । आखिर येस्तैनै भयो । मानिसले जे सोच्छ त्यहि पाउछ भन्ने सुन्य थिए, ऐले जिन्दगीलाई फर्केर हेर्दा लग्क्ष, सायद सत्य हो । तिमी संगको प्रेम र बिछोड भए जस्तै जिन्दगि कुनै दिन बालापनमा मैले पनि सोचेको थिए । आखिर त्यस्तै भै छोडयो ।

तिमीलाई मैले तिमीले चाहेको खुशी दिन सकौला कि न सकौला भन्ने चिन्ताले मैले धेरै रात नसुति कटाको छु । तर तिमी मेरी सपनाकी रानी हो कि हैन भन्ने कुरा मैले कहिले सोचिन । जब सम्म तिमीले मलाई माया गर्छौ त्यति बेला सम्म केहि समस्या छैन भन्ने मैले बुझेको थिए । तर ऐले थाहा पाए त्यो सोच्ने कुरा थियो । त्यति मात्र हैन, समाजमा हाम्रो सम्बन्ध कतिको स्वीकार्य हुन्छ, माता पिता र दिदिको सामाजिक प्रतिष्ठामा कस्तो प्रभाव पर्छ, दिर्गकलिन जिएवनमा कस्तो अशर पर्छ आदि कुराले मायाको सत्यनास गर्दो रहेछ । मैले त्यो पछि थाहापाए । र त्यसको मलाई धेरै पछुतो छ । मैले तिमी संगको प्रेम सम्बन्ध येस कारण पनि टुंग्याको हु । मैले समाजको रितिलाई मेरो प्रेम भन्दा माथि राखे । यो राख्नु को कारण मेरै मनस्थिति हो, मैले समाजलाई बुझेको दृस्टीकोड़ र मेरा भाबी सन्तति प्रति मेरो दइत्वबोध र तिम्रो दिर्घकालिन सुख पनि येही मै छ भन्ने बिश्वास गरेको छु ।

हाम्रो समाजमा स्वस्थानीको कथा मजाले पढिनछ । भगवन शिभा र सतीको प्रेमको प्रसंशा गरिन्छ तर प्रेमलाई हेर्ने दृस्टीकोड भने बिल्कुलै फरक छ । प्रेमीहरुलाई बिछोडीन बाध्य बनाइन्छ, वियोगान्त जीवन बाच्नु पर्छ । मुना मदन, Romeo Juliet , लैला माझ्नु जस्तै आज प्रेमीहरु बिछोडिएका छन् । हाम्रो प्रेमको पनि त्यहि हबिगत हुने थियो, भयो । असफल, लाचार र अधुरो । तिम्रो र मेरो भेट, प्रेम हाम्रो जीवनको यात्रामा एउटा अबिस्मरनिया पल मात्र भएर बस्ने छ ।  तिमी र म दुबैले त्यो पल मजले, हर्सित भएर बच्यौँ र म त्यो पाल त्यसरिनै बितोष भन्ने चहान्थे । तिम्रो बिस्तारमा पल्टिएर यो पढी रहदा तिमीले सोच्दै होलाऊ कि मैले तिम्रो भवनको मजाक उडाए, तिमीलाई use गरे, तिमीलाई धोका दिए । यो सोची रहंदा मैले तिमीलाई धेरै पटक भनेको एउटा कुरा पनि तिमीले सम्झिनु पर्छ "मलाई प्रेम नगर, मलाई मिस नगर । म तिमीलाई छोडेर कुनै दिन टाडा जाने छु । कहिले फर्केर आउने छैन" ।

मैले तिमीबाट breakup पहिले पनि धेरै गर्न खोजेको हु । तर सकिन । मलाई ऐले लाग्छ मैले अलि केटा-केटि जस्तो व्यवहार पनि गरे । म अलि mature भैन । त्यसकै फल स्वरुप मैले तिमीसंग धेरै पल्ट breakup र pachup गरे । मानौ प्रेम जिन्दगीको खेल थियो र तिमी गुडिया । तर मैले त्यस्तो भने कहिले सोचेको हैन । म immature भएकै कारणले मात्र । तिमीलाई कुनै समयमा एस्तो लागेको भए मलाई माफी देउ । तिमी संग प्रथम पटकनै कुरा टुंग्याएको भए म र तिमी जस्तो अस्तव्यस्त भएका थियौ त्यस्तो हुने थिएनौ । तर मलाई त्यति धेरै आत्माग्लानी पनि छैन । मैले यो दुइ बर्सको अन्तरलमा धेरै कुरा सिक्न पाए । तिमीले धेरै कुरा सिकयौ । यसले मलाई मेरो जिन्दगि एउटा नया र उत्क्रिस्ता ढंग बाट बस्चना सहयोग गर्छ भन्ने कुरामा म पूर्ण बिस्वस्त छु ।

आज यो पत्र लेख्नुको कारण यो पनि एउटा हो । म मेरो कमजोरी कसैलाई हुन दिन सक्दिन । मेरो कमजोरी र मेरो साहास मेरो लागि म नै थिए र म नै हुनेछु । हाम्रो breakupको एउटा कारण मेरो यो घमण्ड पनि हो । यसको प्रभाव अहिले तिमीलाई के पर्छ भन्ने कुराको मलाई मतलब छैन किनभने जिन्दगिको कुनै मोडमा, म बिश्वस्त छु, तिमी पनि खुशी हुनेछौ र कहिँ कतै यस्तो दिन पनि आउने छ जहिले तिमीले मलाई धन्यबाद भन्न मन लाग्ने छ – यो पलको लागि र यो breakupको लागि । 

नोट :

म कृतज्ञ छु मेरा आम बुवा र मेरो प्रिय दिदि अन्जीला प्रति जस्सले आज म जे हुँ त्यो बन्नमा मलाई सानै देखि सहयोग, हौशला, प्रेरणा र साथ दिनु भएको छ । मेरो वाईयात विचार अनि कुराहरु लाइ सदा झेल्नु भएको छ र senseless लाइ sensible  बनाउन कहिले थाक्नु भएको छैन ।
म आभारी छु मेरा आतिनै मिल्ने साथीहरु आशिष, अस्मिता, अनन्त, संजय र मेरिना प्रति जसले मेरो जीवनको हरेक मोडमा साथ दिएका छन् र सहि मार्गनिर्देश गरेका छन् ।
म आभारी छु Apex Collegeको अति नै न रुचाएको र विध्यार्थीबाट अति नै अपहेलित SMART कार्यक्रम प्रति जसले मलाई परिवर्तन नै जीवनको सार हो र परिवर्तनमा रमाउनुपर्छ भन्ने सिकायो । साथै यही कार्यक्रमबाट मैले राम्रो निर्णय र सहि निर्णय बीचको फरक पनि सिकेको छु । येही कार्यक्रम मार्फत सहि निर्णय लिन सक्ने छ्यमतको ब्रिधि पनि गरेको छु ।
मेरो blog पढ्ने र मलाई माया अनि सुझाब दिने सम्पपूर्ण इस्ट मित्र, नातेदार, छरछिमेकि, र शुभचिन्तकलाई मुरी मुरी धन्यबाद ।

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